Reminiscing on things to come

Have you ever wondered
how life would be if choices changed
if only that dry leaf didn't crunch
if break from work was consumed by activity
if staying was better than walking away
to endure the pain

A lifeline of ever-branching scenarios
unanswered questions to difficult decisions
if only separation didn't lead to heartbreak
if only there was the courage to fight back
if only words could replace actions
what if?

Scared of what lies ahead
yet to be unburdened choices or simply accepted fate
if sleep did not come so easily
if waking did not come so difficult
if the fretful nights of missed opportunity did not call
to what do we owe the honor, Destiny

In the present, lives move
stagnation muddles the flowing lines of life
if eyes did not cloud with reminisce
if the mind did not contrive fruitless plans
if the body did not walk those wretched lines
the current soul appears whole, minor cracks fractal abound

To learn from the past to live in the present
continuity leads to the future
if the future is the present
if the present if the past
if the past teaches the future
wherein does my soul reside?

My mind's sedition

I've tried so hard to live up
to expectation
A son to the first born son to the family name
my growth has been defined by tradition
Cousins and friends look to me
as mentor, idol or compatriot, rarely as competition

Thus, I suppress all anomalies
afraid of my own rotting condition
Told to live in my own skin
none around know of my mutation
Walk covered and scared to show
the scales and scars marking my ugly disposition

Even so, from who I was to who I am
I make use no excuses for my ambition
Working hard to achieve set goals
the future me knows no personal satiation
Refusing to allow others to define
my life, my goals, my self, my mission

Striving to be a better man
with morals and wisdom as ammunition
Told that professorship yields meager
better yet to be a clinician, no erudition
Shown the door by women I chase
my love life a constant audition
Playing sports and keeping fit
personal health a constant motivation

Slowly I am finding myself
called away from external precondition
Agonizingly I am accepting
that my actions and my words are of my own volition
Lastly, through my own admission,
this sorry exposition is a cheap rendition of my soul's malnutrition